The weather is terrible. The traffic is awful. A colleague is getting on your nerves. Nothing is going the way it should.
Complaining is easy. There's always something to complain about!
But have you ever stopped to think about what constant complaining does to you?
Over the years, I've spent a lot of time learning about how our thoughts and habits influence our lives. One subject I find particularly interesting is how complaining can become a habit.
When we get used to concentrating on everything that's wrong, we start finding more and more reasons to complain.
Fortunately, we can also learn to do the opposite!
Your Brain Learns What You Practise
Have you heard the saying that neurons that fire together wire together?
It describes one of the principles of neuroplasticity. Repeated thoughts and behaviours can strengthen learned patterns in the brain.
When you constantly think that everything is going wrong, you're also practising the habit of looking for problems.
And the more you practise, the more automatic that way of thinking can become.
But the good news is that you can also practise noticing what's good in your life.
Why train your brain to complain when you can train it to notice the good?
Complaining Ruins Your Mood
How do you feel after half an hour of complaining?
Happier? Calmer? Full of energy?
Hardly!
When we repeatedly talk and think about something irritating, we keep the unpleasant feelings associated with it alive.
The situation itself may have ended hours ago, but we're still going over it in our minds.
And when this kind of rumination contributes to ongoing stress, it can affect our sleep, concentration and ability to recover.
Why waste our energy reliving the same frustrations over and over again?
Complaining Is Contagious
Have you ever been in a perfectly good mood until somebody started complaining?
One person complains about the weather. Another about the traffic. A third starts explaining how terrible everything is nowadays.
And before you know it, everybody is in a bad mood!
Emotions can spread from person to person. Other people's expressions, tone of voice and behaviour influence how we feel.
Constant complaining doesn't just ruin our own day. It can make life unpleasant for the people around us, too.
And let's admit something: constant complaining is boring!
I'd much rather spend time with people who are interested in life, know how to enjoy things and look for solutions to problems.
And that's the kind of person I want to be, too.
Jon Gordon's Rule: Stop Complaining!
American author Jon Gordon explores this subject in his book The No Complaining Rule, published in 2008.
The book tells the story of a company introducing a rule to reduce habitual negativity and encourage people to concentrate on solutions instead.
The principle is simple:
If you bring up a problem, suggest one or two possible solutions at the same time.
What a difference that makes!
Identifying a problem is useful. It gives us the opportunity to do something about it.
But endlessly discussing the same problem without making any effort to solve it gets us nowhere.
The point isn't to remain silent about genuine problems. Quite the opposite! Problems need to be recognised, but our energy is better spent working towards solutions.
So the next time you catch yourself complaining, ask:
What can I actually do about this?
If you can change the situation, do something.
If you can't, ask yourself whether continuing to complain is worth your energy.
What Can You Do Instead of Complaining?
Inspired by Jon Gordon's approach, here are five practical ways to replace complaining with better habits.
- Practise gratitude. Think of three things you're grateful for every day.
- Appreciate other people. Notice what others do well instead of concentrating only on their mistakes.
- Pay attention to what went right. At the end of the day, remember one thing that went well.
- Learn to let go. Concentrate on things you can influence instead of everything you cannot control.
- Be still and pray. Take time to quiet your mind and regain perspective.
That last point is particularly important in my own life. Prayer helps me stop and put things into perspective.
Sometimes just a few minutes of silent prayer or praying the Rosary is enough to interrupt a completely unnecessary spiral of negative thoughts.
Try This When You Feel Like Complaining
One simple exercise is to learn to recognise the urge to complain before you even open your mouth.
The next time something irritates you, stop for a moment.
Notice what's happening in your body.
Are you clenching your jaw? Are your shoulders tense? Do you feel an uncomfortable tightness in your stomach?
Don't immediately start explaining to yourself why you're annoyed. Just notice the sensation.
Breathe calmly and give yourself a moment before reacting.
Then ask yourself:
Is complaining about this going to achieve anything?
Can I do something to improve the situation? Or should I simply let it go?
It's in these small everyday moments that we can begin changing our automatic habits.
Happiness Is Also a Matter of How You See Life
I've noticed that happy people aren't necessarily those who have the easiest lives. Often, they're people who have learned to look at life differently.
Two people can experience exactly the same disappointment and react in completely different ways.
One thinks, "Why does this always happen to me? Nothing ever works out for me. Everybody else has it easier!"
The other thinks, "Well, that didn't work. What can I learn from this? What can I do differently next time?"
The circumstances are the same. The difference is how they interpret them.
And this is where complaining becomes particularly dangerous.
When we complain, we often replay an unpleasant experience in our minds, remembering every irritating detail. We relive what happened, what somebody said and how unfairly we were treated.
Instead of moving on, we keep bringing the experience back to life.
The more we dwell on negative experiences, the easier it becomes to notice everything else that's wrong.
We can gradually develop a victim mentality, that exhausting little voice that tells us life is unfair, everybody else has it easier and other people are responsible for our unhappiness.
And it's exhausting not only for ourselves but also for the people around us!
Worst of all, this attitude keeps us stuck. As long as we're busy blaming others and feeling sorry for ourselves, we're not looking for solutions or recognising what we can actually change.
Of course, genuinely unfair things happen. People hurt us, circumstances can be difficult, and sometimes we really are victims of injustice. But even then, we have to be careful not to allow those experiences to define our entire lives.
You can fail without being a failure. You can lose without being a loser. And you can experience difficult circumstances without deciding that life itself is miserable.
As a Christian, I have an even stronger reason not to define myself by my failures or circumstances.
My worth doesn't depend on my achievements, my possessions or what other people think of me.
I am a beloved daughter of God. And that doesn't change when I make mistakes or when life becomes difficult.
St Augustine expressed something essential about human happiness when he wrote:
"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."
We can spend our lives chasing success, comfort, possessions and recognition, but none of these can satisfy our deepest longing.
And I think this understanding also changes how we approach everyday frustrations.
When we recognise life itself as a gift, we begin to notice how much we already have to be grateful for.
Gratitude doesn't mean pretending everything is wonderful. It doesn't mean ignoring injustice, suppressing sadness or never speaking about our problems. Even the Psalms are full of lamentations!
But there's an enormous difference between acknowledging something painful and making habitual dissatisfaction our way of life.
Gratitude doesn't make our problems disappear. It changes how much power we give them over our lives.
So the next time you catch yourself complaining, ask yourself two questions:
Am I trying to solve a problem, or am I simply reliving it?
Am I concentrating on everything that's wrong, or am I also recognising everything that's good?
Try a No-Complaining Day!
Jon Gordon also encourages people to challenge their habit of complaining. Here's a simple way to try it yourself: decide not to complain unnecessarily for one whole day.
Sounds easy?
Give it a try!
You'll probably be surprised how often you feel tempted to make a completely unnecessary negative comment.
And that's exactly the point of the exercise. Once you start noticing your own complaining, you can make a conscious decision to stop.
We can't control the weather, eliminate every traffic jam or make other people behave exactly as we'd like.
But we can learn to choose where we direct our attention and how we respond.
Don't let every little irritation steal your good mood!
Instead of complaining, concentrate on what's good and do something about the things you can influence.
Life has so many more enjoyable things to offer than complaining!
Book recommendation: Jon Gordon, The No Complaining Rule: Positive Ways to Deal with Negativity at Work (Wiley, 2008). Learn more about the book on Jon Gordon's website.