Don't think about an elephant!
What just happened?
Did an elephant appear in your mind?
Probably!
Now here's another instruction: Don't think about a pink elephant wearing a little yellow hat.
Well, there it is again!
Our brains are perfectly capable of understanding the word "don't". But there's something interesting about the way our attention works. To understand what we're supposed to avoid, we often first have to think about that very thing.
And sometimes, the harder we try NOT to think about something, the more attention we end up giving it.
This is why I find it so useful to concentrate on what I WANT to do rather than constantly reminding myself what I DON'T want to do.
Look Where You Want to Go!
Imagine you're skiing through a forest.
There are trees everywhere, but also plenty of open space between them.
If you keep telling yourself, "Don't hit a tree! Don't hit a tree!", where is your attention?
On the trees, of course!
You're constantly looking for the very obstacles you're trying to avoid.
But what happens when you concentrate on the open path instead?
You start looking for the spaces between the trees. Your attention moves towards where you actually want to go.
The trees haven't disappeared. You've simply changed what you're concentrating on.
Of course, safe skiing also requires awareness of obstacles. But the principle is useful: look towards the path you want to take, not only at everything you want to avoid.
And this applies to so many situations in everyday life!
Look for the path!
Stop Telling Yourself What You Mustn't Eat
Here's a perfect example from everyday life.
You're trying to eat more healthily, so you keep telling yourself:
"I mustn't eat sweets."
"I shouldn't eat sugar."
"I must stop craving chocolate."
And what are you thinking about all day?
Sweets, sugar and chocolate!
Why not turn those thoughts around?
"I'm going to eat plenty of protein."
"I'm going to enjoy good, healthy fats."
"I'll have some nuts when I want a snack."
"I'm going to prepare delicious, nourishing meals."
Now you're giving yourself something useful to concentrate on.
Instead of spending the whole day thinking about forbidden foods, you're thinking about what you actually want to eat.
And there's another advantage: you're making a practical plan.
If you know that you'll have some nuts, a boiled egg or another satisfying snack when you're hungry, you don't have to spend so much energy fighting the temptation to reach for sweets.
Don't just tell yourself what to avoid. Decide what you're going to do instead!
Tell Children What You Want Them to Do
This is also a useful principle when dealing with children.
Instead of saying, "Don't eat on the couch!", try saying, "Please eat at the table."
Instead of "Don't run!", say, "Please walk."
Instead of "Stop shouting!", say, "Use your quiet voice, please."
Of course, there are situations where a clear "No!" or "Stop!" is exactly what's needed, especially when safety is involved.
But in ordinary everyday situations, positive instructions often make things much clearer.
You're not merely telling somebody what they shouldn't do. You're explaining what you expect them to do.
And I think this works just as well when we're giving instructions to ourselves!
What About Thoughts That Keep Hurting You?
Here's where I think this principle becomes particularly valuable.
We've all experienced situations where somebody has hurt us.
Perhaps somebody said something cruel, treated us unfairly or betrayed our trust.
And long after the situation is over, the memory keeps coming back.
We replay the conversation. We remember what the person said. We think about what we should have answered.
Sometimes we even have imaginary arguments with that person in our heads!
And then we tell ourselves:
"I must stop thinking about this."
"I'm not going to think about how badly she hurt me."
"I don't want to remember what happened."
But notice something. Every time we repeat those sentences, we're bringing the painful experience back into our attention.
So why not try something different?
When the memory comes back, acknowledge it without starting the whole story again.
Then deliberately turn your attention towards something better.
And as a Christian, I know one particularly beautiful way of doing this.
Bless the Person Who Hurt You
Imagine that somebody has hurt you deeply.
Every time you remember what happened, you feel the same anger or sadness all over again.
Instead of replaying the hurt, what if you began praying for that person?
Perhaps the person who hurt you is deeply unhappy. Perhaps she has never experienced the love and kindness that every human being needs. Perhaps she's carrying wounds of her own.
We don't necessarily know why people behave cruelly. But we can choose how we respond.
Instead of thinking, "She hurt me so badly!", I can pray:
"Lord, bless her. Fill her heart with Your love. Heal whatever is hurting inside her. Help her experience so much love that she no longer feels the need to hurt other people."
Isn't that a completely different direction for our thoughts?
Instead of concentrating on what somebody did to me, I'm asking God to bring something good into that person's life.
I can even imagine her becoming happier, kinder and more peaceful.
Not because my imagination has some magical power to change another person, but because it helps me turn away from resentment and towards love.
And there's something wonderful about that.
The person who hurt me no longer gets to occupy my thoughts with endless arguments and bitterness.
Instead, the memory becomes an opportunity to pray.
Jesus Himself taught us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44).
That doesn't mean pretending that what happened was acceptable. It doesn't mean abandoning healthy boundaries or allowing somebody to continue mistreating us.
And forgiveness doesn't always happen immediately. Sometimes it's a long process.
But we can begin by asking God to bless the person, even when our feelings haven't caught up with that decision.
Sometimes a short prayer is enough:
"Lord, bless her and give me peace."
Give Your Mind Something Better to Do
There's a difference between trying desperately to suppress a thought and gently redirecting your attention.
If an unpleasant thought comes into your mind, you don't have to fight it or become upset with yourself for having it.
You can simply notice it and choose what to concentrate on next.
Perhaps you begin thinking about something you're grateful for.
Perhaps you turn your attention to a task that needs doing.
Perhaps you remember something beautiful, make plans for something enjoyable or say a short prayer.
The point isn't to pretend that unpleasant things don't exist.
It's to stop giving them more attention than they deserve.
Of course, some problems need to be confronted and resolved. And painful experiences sometimes need time and attention to heal.
But endlessly replaying the same unpleasant thoughts without getting anywhere is something quite different.
We don't have to follow every thought that appears in our minds!
Concentrate on What You Want to Build
Think about how often we describe our goals in terms of what we don't want.
"I don't want to be so stressed."
"I don't want to waste so much time."
"I don't want to be so negative."
There's nothing wrong with recognising what needs to change. But why stop there?
Give yourself a positive direction instead.
"I'm going to make time for rest and prayer."
"I'm going to spend my mornings doing something useful."
"I'm going to look for something good in every day."
"I'm going to speak kindly, even when I'm irritated."
These aren't magical affirmations. Simply repeating positive sentences won't automatically change our lives.
But clear intentions help us recognise opportunities to act differently.
And when we follow those intentions with concrete actions, we begin developing new habits.
That's what makes the difference.
Where Are You Directing Your Attention?
We cannot prevent every unpleasant thought from entering our minds.
We cannot remove every obstacle from our lives.
And we certainly cannot control how other people behave.
But we can learn to direct our attention towards the things that help us move forward.
Instead of constantly thinking about the sweets you shouldn't eat, think about the delicious, nourishing food you're going to enjoy.
Instead of replaying how somebody hurt you, ask God to bless that person and give you peace.
Instead of concentrating only on the obstacles, look for the path between them.
And instead of reminding yourself all day what you don't want to become, decide what kind of person you want to be.
Don't spend your life staring at the trees. Look for the path!